Ugh, the dreadful, emotional, roller coaster ride that comes with dating! After spending years with someone you feel, “didn’t understand you at all”! Here you are again looking for that electricity you have been missing out on all these years. And let’s face it, the dating scene after a bad breakup is exhausting, exciting, intimidating, and quite frankly, it is freaking horrifying! Like, we do NOT want to make the same mistake again! Right? So, how can we jump back into the dating scene with full confidence we are going to find that quality person we so desperately desire? And furthermore, how do we avoid all the drama we don’t want? Well, I am about to tell you! Now, before I tell you the “how to” in finding that superior person that is going to value you and know your worth, let me help you see things through a different kind of lens first….

So, here is where I get a little honest with you, hold you accountable, and tell you things you really don’t want to hear! Are you ready? You must realize one particularly important thing before we move into the fun stuff. All those ‘unpleasant’ relationships you found yourself in, well, “YOU PICKED THEM”! Oh yea! I went there! You must realize that you had a part to play in all your messy relationships and all the mistakes that went with them. You must stop blaming the other person for all those reasons you were unhappy and face the fact that you picked her/him! Here is the thing, if you do not value yourself enough to recognize the red flags and acknowledge them before you commit, well the only person to blame for your unhappiness…. Is you! You were the one who agreed to settle in that relationship and accept all those red flags that were so obviously present beforehand. Ask yourself this question, “How much do I value my own worth and my own virtues?” Well if you answered “considerably”, well thats great. You’re a step ahead of most. Now, if you just honestly answered “I have no clue”! Well, maybe before you start dating you should work on spending some time finding value in yourself. Seriously, who will want to spend time alone with you if you don’t like spending time alone with you? Your next “person” will not value you any more than you value yourself. So, “how much do you really value yourself?”

After spending the last 5 ½ years with myself, I have learned to eliminate all of the things I just do not like about myself (i.e., all the unconstructive, destructive things I think, say, and do). And I have learned to focus more on all the things I absolutely love about myself (i.e., all the productive, kind, and beneficial things I think, say, and do). Obviously, we must avoid the former qualities that are harmful and toxic for future relationships. But how? Well, for starters, recognizing the behaviors, ahead of time, that come with those toxic people, is paramount to your success in your next relationship. With that said, I think it is crucial for every person who is getting out of a long-term relationship to spend time focused on their individual relationship goals. That’s right! “Relationship Goals”. It is common for people to adapt to lifestyles, characteristics, hobbies, and/or habits, that go against all their virtues. People adjust to lifestyles they would otherwise not live had they not met there ex. People make adjustments when their in relationships and often develop certain characteristics, or personally traits that develops over time. I sincerely believe that if you do not want negative, toxic people in your life you must eliminate them before you get into another relationship. If you want to experience a fresh start in your next relationship and you want to be healthy and happy, you cannot bring your negative toxic past with you into your future. After all, how can you really be positive when you have the damage of your past relationship still lingering in your head and heart? Lose that mentality now!!! It’s a total mindset shift! I promise if you don’t do this, you will certainly be miserable in your next relationship.

Next, you must cast away all the fears and insecurities that come with reconnecting with new people. Look I know its scary to get back out there. After so much time has past and you are so used to being comfortable with one person and one lifestyle. But you have a choice here. Remain in the old way of dating and find the same thing again (‘insanity’), or find a new way and take a chance to find someone amazing! Remain mindful during your dates. Do not make the mistake of misreading the person because of your own insecurities. Recognize the red flags! Acknowledge that you are entering a toxic situation before you invest too much time. Don’t catch feelings before you find the things that hold value to you. When you recognize the red flags ahead of time, you avoid a lot of headaches later. This is a huge piece of advice that will benefit you in every relationship! Professionally, personally, and romantically.  

When you find the courage to be mindful and recognize the signs, and you become confident in asking all the right questions, without fear of judgment, you will develop a deeper understanding of your date. You will find yourself eliminating what you don’t want and finding all the qualities you do want in a relationship. AND….This is where all the fun starts!

Okay, you do have to watch how you ask questions, and there is a system to this. I go a little more into detail on this in Chapter 6 of my book “Hot Mess to Totally Blessed” which you can get here.

Have Fun!

Look, dating is supposed to be fun! You are going to have good and bad dates. Lets be real! There are some really shady single people out there, and there are some really super amazing single people out there. If you want amazing, you have to be amazing. If you pay attention and your mindful of your own expectations, I believe you will succeed in finding a healthy, happy, amazing, and successful relationship. Dating is a time to sit with someone, get to know them, and interview them, as a way to learn as much information as you can. If you are anything like me, time is precious! So you don’t want to invest too much time talking about things that hold no value in your life or in your future. Meaningless conversations get us no where! I know you have heard this about a trillion times, but try to stay clear of those who spend too much time talking about their past relationships. It’s toxic and it is not moving either of you forward. When you are dating new people, you should both be ready to start new! That means losing all things past. Why are you looking back there anyway? Its over! Get over it and move on! I do not like wasting time and therefore I gather as much information as I can, as fast as I can. The early stages of getting to know one another should help you get a feel for their character, their values, and their intentions. What are their dating goals? What are your dating goals? Get this out there quick and be as specific as possible! if you don’t have dating goals, you better get some honey! Because your going to be headed for disaster if you don’t!

Also, make your date feel comfortable. I don’t care if its a good or bad date, both party’s must feel comfortable. Again, this is suppose to be fun. Your not making a commitment. That’s why its call “dating”! Dah! So, tell a little about yourself and ask a little about them. The flow of conversation should always be moving you both forward, wanting to learn more about each other, and most important learning something new about yourself. Obviously, there is a system to this and this doesn’t always come easy for everyone. Especially if you’re an introvert. You really have to be self-aware. You cannot just send a text when they’re sitting next to you. And you can’t write down a bunch of questions on a sheet a paper and say, “hey can you answer these questions?” Like Seriously? Let’s be real!

I know things have changed in the “millennial days”, but somethings must remain. “Connection between two people”. I mean that is the goal here right? Your date is not going to fill out a survey for you! So get over it and embrace the world of physical, mental, and emotional connections. I hate to break it to you, but if you want to meet someone real, you eventually have to let your guard down and meet them face to face! People who are genuinely looking to start a new relationship, are not wasting too much time texting. They are talking on the phone and they are having real connections.

Now go off, meet new people, get yourself out there and find your person! You have a baseline of what you want in a relationship and you have the ability to weed out all the relationships that will hold no value in your life what-so-ever! If your looking for more ways to self awareness or dating advice you can grab my book today for only $14.99 here.

For now, have fun! Be confident and date with purpose! Dating after divorce can feel daunting in the beginning, but after a little practice, you will become more and more comfortable and confident. Confident in yourself and confident in your choices of dates! Always be yourself, know what you want, and remember, its not whats at the top of the mountain its the journey that takes you there.

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