Tag relationships

“WHAT MAKES A GOOD (CPS) CASE WORKER AND HOW WE CAN DO A BETTER JOB AS PARENTS”

CHRISTINA DITZEL Leave a comment

Photo by Arzella BEKTAu015e on Pexels.com

I have never been a Case Worker, although I would love to be. I did, however, work for a lady (cleaning her home) who used to get temporary custody for these kids when trouble happened in their homes. I watched her give these kids medications and at a very young age (as young as 8yrs). I was disgusted. I cleaned their rooms, so I had to tread lightly when I touched their toys, books, and even how I made their bed. Many of these children have been sexually and physically abused. So, their privacy and making sure they felt safe in my presence was critical.

I remember I had to clean up covid vomit that my client left for me days after the child got sick. She didn’t even tell me they had covid and she put me and my family and my elderly clients at risk.

Now, I have LOTS of questions for these so called “professionals”, but my first question is “why are we medicating the children when the parents are the ones with the issues?” Anti-Depressants don’t help everyone! And that is a FACT! BASED ON BILLIONS OF TESTIMONIALS (including my own). Medications actually cause more issues most of the time. Do you really want to know why your child is violent?

2 reasons Your Child is Violent:

  1. You are a horrible parent, and they need more attention, more stability, and more discipline.
  2. And second, the medication you put your child on is making them worse and more violent.

Stop listening to everyone else tell you how to raise your child and what is best for your child. Instead listen to your own motherly instincts and be mindful of your own behavior patterns! Medicating children instead of teaching them to control their thoughts and actions is the reason America is out of control right now!

I don’t understand why we agree to this chaos and why we allow it to continue. I could never get a job in this field because well, for one, I could not and would not keep my mouth shut! But in addition, I don’t have a bachelor’s or higher in “social work”. But yet they hire people who are horrible parents themselves to go into homes and judge whether a parent is fit or unfit just because they have a degree. So now we live in a society, where a piece of paper determines our credibility and capabilities! How is that working for you all? Well, we can clearly see how that’s working just by stepping outside our doors or looking at the news and on social media. Look at our society? Look at our government. Look at the all the people killing themselves! It’s everywhere!

See, the issue with a degree and/or tests determining if a person is good enough for a job, is that anyone can cheat on a test, and anyone can lie on paper! Just go sit in a classroom full of med students for one day! They all cheat! With the exception of the one student who will do everything to be honest just to end up failing the written test. Does the physical lab help them if they pass that? NOPE! But if a student passes the written and fails the physical the instructors gives them a pass to go through! These students cheat on their written exams all day long! Again, why are we allowing this sort of dysfunction to continue?

America used to be the greatest place to live, now it is just the place most Americans want to run from. CPS is no different. Don’t trust anyone! They do not hold these case workers accountable, but they are holding kids accountable for their so called “bad behavior”. Children learn from their dysfunctional parents and peers who are drugging them up and then they are dropping them off into homes with people who are not suited to be a foster parent at all! Yea, okay!

SOMEONE PLEASE, “MAKE THAT MAKE SENSE!”

To learn more about child services and how to fight them, go here. This author interviews caseworkers, lawyers and others who work in the system and points out the steps that need to be taken to improve how these agencies work. This author focuses on creating a “call to action” from the public to charge all levels of government to make necessary changes in these agencies. In her words: “They must protect children from abuse and neglect without persecuting innocent families”.

MY SOLUTION

Yes, this is my personal opinion based on things I have experienced in my personal life as a child and as a parent. My First suggestion is to get educated! Adults need to be held accountable for their actions but that includes all adults. Even social workers, police officers, etc. who mess up by taking kids out of a home with parents who are innocent! What happen to “innocent until proven guilty”. Or does that only apply to certain groups? Some kids need discipline. and it has gotten more difficult to discipline children with the government enabling kids to have so much control. Anyone can make a claim that a parent is unfit or not suited to raise a child and that parent will be investigated and, in the meantime, the child will be taken away and placed in a stranger’s home. Some of these kids are extremely violent and highly medicated putting the foster parent in danger. However, when you have individuals who are calling themselves “professionals” we have to look at the all the aspects of the situation. We must be mindful of ourselves and our surroundings. And who we allow into our children’s lives matters! So be a good parent by simply prioritizing your children and their mental and physical wellbeing.

HOW TO ELEVATE YOUR SEX DRIVE!

CHRISTINA DITZEL Leave a comment

How do you view sex? When we talk about sex, we have to ask ourselves how we look feel and treat ourselves about sex. Before and after we engage. Because society and trauma has distorted it. And God gave it to us as a gift. Sex is not a sin; we make it a sin with our minds. So, let me ask you a few questions:

Lady’s let’s go over the questions for review before I dive in.

  • Do you love your body?
  • Do your clothes represent how you feel daily?
  • Are you secure in your skin?
  • And how’s your hygiene?
  • And how do you like to be touched, and are you comfortable touching yourself?
  • Do you have a pure clean and safe view of sex?

That is what we are talking about today! If you’d rather tune in to the podcast you go here.

This month were in a series called sex and relationships. Last week we talked about being thirsty, but I also started talking about the importance of how you view sex. Today I would like to get into more detail by getting us all to focus on self-reflection when we look at sex rather than an outward reflection of sex. The key is to have better healthier relationships, by embracing intimacy and feeling confident in all areas of life but also keeping our relationships spicey, exciting, and engaging. So, let’s dive deep into today’s topic and learn how to keep our sex drives elevated during the duration of our relationships.

I am going to be a little vulnerable today by sharing some personal thoughts. When I gave men a lot of attention, and they lacked response or would wait days at a time to message back, I already knew the kind of character they possessed, I’d have to remind myself,

“Remember at dinner how they couldn’t put their dam phone down to reply to their so call “employer/sister/mother/kids/etc.”! RED FLAGS! They are everywhere! So, the second we had sex, and I would turn the tables by running out the door like “thanks for the ride, but I got to go! I had a nice night, it was fun!”. Then I’d give them a kiss on the forehead and sail away in the wind, some of them would question me, get insecure, or completely obsessive. While others just never contacted me again. When the tables turned, and I was the one not giving attention or not reciprocating those emotions, most of them became more interested (or was it just their own insecurities that kept them coming back and chasing me down for more?).

This was and is a complete turn off for me. Truth is I kind of liked it when a man was confident and distant. In fact, I hate a guy crawling up my ass and blowing my phone up all day! It means he has no friends, no life, and no real job! He has no hobbies and no routine!

This “chasing him/her like a lost puppy dog” makes us all look lonely, desperate and our reckless jealously and codependent tendencies show up. It’s embarrassing when you act like that and barely know the person. Well, that is until you have actually met someone who really resonates with you and connects with you on every level, of course. But can I just say how rare that is to find.

Listen, when the chase is gone so is the excitement! So why are we rushing things today? See, when we get with a guy who doesn’t call us for days after we’ve slept with them, we freak out and get all defensive! We might text and blow up the phone.  Some of us even name call! All these insecurities and questions we carry with us because we are meeting people and having sex so quickly without knowing who they truly are, or if they even have the same values as we do.

I always talk about knowing what you want before the person. We can get so caught up in his rock-hard arms, his gorgeous eyes, his status, or his smooth takin’, that we looked at him like a piece of investment property instead of, a potential relationship. Yet we get defensive when they do that to us, or they want to test drive the merchandise before they sign the contract. The dating game has really gotten ridiculous.

We have to realize at some point, that smart intellectual men sense that stuff, and if you are a confident, put together, beautiful intelligent women, he has the same fears of being used as you do. Men just have a better way of derailing their feelings, since their response is usually to push down emotions, avoid conflict, and walk away rather than engage. But that is a discussion for next week!

Lady’s listen, sex does not mean he is going to choose you or put a ring on it! I am so sorry to burst your bride bubble, but it is just the truth! But it also doesn’t mean he won’t! And sex definitely doesn’t declare you “his girl”. Sex does not give you a right to claim or declare your commitment to someone. I think this generation has this messed up.

Truth is, what determines the status of a successful happy relationship is first respect. The words you use to communicate with one another every day and the truth in the connection you both feel and express toward one another. Not just the intimacy.  Do you communicate with your partner in truth, trust, and honesty? And if you’re single, do you know how to communicate in your dating relationships? The loyalty, trust, and respect you have for one another, and your personal values will determine the foundation of all your relationships. Do your actions show respect, trust, and loyalty toward each other? Do you share the same personal, spiritual, professional, financial, and relationship goals? Do you both hold strong in your values for long term potential? Or are you just looking at TODAY?

See, our true nature is in the expression of how well we treat ourselves and others. Your everyday performance is an explicit indication of your character. If you hear nothing I say today, hear this:

“If you can’t be the expression of love, respect, and loyalty to yourself, your goals and your own life, how will you be able to share those qualities with others?” You have to be the physical expression of what you want reciprocated into your life. If you want someone to be sensual with you, then you have to be sensual with yourself. In other words, if you want intimacy, you must understand exactly what intimacy means to you. Then when you find the person you will know if they measure up to your standards. You avoid disappointment in the future this way.

Last week I covered a lot in part 1 and I want to break everything down today. Last week I asked you how you felt about sex. Why do we have such a hard time talking about something so natural, so beautiful and so freaking good? If I am sitting with a group of friends, I know which ones I can sit with and be like “how do you feel about masturbation” and I have a handful of people who will freely discuss openly on this topic and I have a tone of friends or associates who will be like “Gurl, that’s kind of’ personal don’t you think?”

No actually, what I think is that most of us can agree when I say SEX IS FREAKING AMAZING! And I think we should be talking about it and we should stop making it a sin. The intimate connection that happens will have us chasing for more or running for hills. We meet people who openly discuss sex as a natural healthy activity that connects two people on a deeper level. And we meet people who turn everything into a dirty filthy sexual sinful experience that we end up regretting. We can either have the conversations and have amazing freaking sex with amazing relationships that have long term potential, or we can turn everything and everyone who even thinks about sex into a demon or sinner.  But let me remind you all that God gave us sex to enjoy not to fear or feel guilt, shame, or regret.

So, let’s talk about SEX: Means we have to talk about how you look, feel, and treat yourself before and after sex. I asked you 5 questions last week and I really want the ladies to ask themselves these questions.

  1. Do you love your body ladies?

To love your body is to not be ashamed of everything your body is and represents. We give birth and life, it’s okay to love our bodies, but we have to take care of our bodies too. And we start at #2

  • Do your clothes make you feel comfortable and represent how you feel daily?

How do you feel in your daily routine? Do you feel beautiful, sexy, confident, and comfortable when you move through life? If you’re not shopping for clothes that represent your character, you’re never going to be comfortable or confident. Stop looking on social media and go try on some clothes. You can look for inspiration online, but don’t try to dress in someone else’s style. In a time where we are able to be different and expressive, why would you want to jump on trends? All that does is take away from your true essence and you become insecure in your clothes, your style and in eventually your own skin. Which brings me to number 3.

  • Are you secure in your own skin?

Again, do you feel comfortable? Do you know what comfortability means to you? What is comfortable to you? Does your skin look and feel healthy. Do you like the way you look standing naked in the mirror? I know this is awkward for some of you. But listen you need to love your skin, your body, your breast, your ass, your thighs, your facial features, your arms, your eyes. Every part of your body is what people see first. It’s the first impression. And how you feel you will act and speak according to your physical emotional state.  Hear what I am saying! Your flesh is your business card which says I want to meet this person, or I fear that person. Or who is that person? Are you keeping people curious about who you are? Do you keep them coming back for more just so they can feel, smell, and experience what it feels like to stand next to you and be in your presence. How do you walk in your own skin? This matters because you are an expression of how you feel daily no matter how you dress it up.

Let me ask you this: Can you look at your own reflection in the mirror and find beautiful, while feeling respect, compassion, confident, and still feel sexy, voluptuous? You can do all the cosmetic shit they have out there! But at the end of the day, if you can’t look in the mirror and love yourself without all that, how can you expect anyone to reciprocate what you don’t see, hear, or feel for yourself? Your words mean nothing and have no value if your own thoughts and actions don’t represent the words coming out of your mouth. Remember that!

Okay let’s move on to number 4…

  • How’s your hygiene?

Listen, some of us could do better here. I’m going to just say it, if you have an odor down there that is unbearable for you, you better believe it is unbearable for your partner. It will make you insecure and sex will be uncomfortable and unsatisfying for both of you. You can’t fake it till you make it here folks. You need to get help and take care of it!!! Listen, not only will you avoid sex like the plaque, but your man will cheat because he can’t get it up with that overbearing odor. Go see a doctor. Now let me add this…If you have been to the doctor and you keep sleeping with the same man, and your prone to yeast infections, UTI’s, STI’s or STD’s and you’ve been treated by a doctor but continue to get this infection every time you sleep with your partner, you need to leave that partner. They’re cheating! You know it! Stop putting your health at risk. Do I really need to explain the seriousness of a bacteria infection that can cause other underlining diseases and infections? No, I am not doing the research on that today. But go look it up! You need to leave if this sounds the slightest bit like your situation.

Okay, let me give you some things to look into. Because he may not be cheating. When you get an infection, you could just be very sensitive to his sperm. (Remember you can have a chemical reaction from sperm there are proteins that can cause you to have an allergic reaction to semen) However! This is why we need to be having conversations. Stop being afraid to talk to your doctors and your partners and have your partners talk to your doctors and his doctors and make sure you’re both interacting together.

LET ME ALSO ADD FOR YOU MELLIENIALS: NO IT IS NOT OKAY TO HAVE SEX WITH A GUY AND HIM TELL YOU

#1. “HE WENT TO THE DOCTOR HE’S FINE” Hell no! SHOW ME THE PAPERWORK

#2. IF HE WON’T LET YOU GO TO THE DOCTOR WTH HIM? Id’ question that. It’s a red flag in my book!

We bring men into our appointments while the doctor spreads us out on table with the stirrups spreading our legs out, he/she touches our breasts, and sticks all kinds of fingers and tools inside of us, why the hell can’t we go into the room with our men? Absolutely not! He is hiding something if he doesn’t let you hear the results from his doctor. Especially if you continue to have the same issues every time you have sex.

Read the red flags!!! And get the hell out of there! Hygiene is important and you shouldn’t neglect your lady parts or your body. When I talk about hygiene, I am very serious when I say, CREATE A GOOD HYGENE REGIMEINE

  • How do you like to be touched and are you comfortable touching yourself?

This is a no brainer, but masturbation has a bad rap because so many people are addicted to pornography. I get it. Listen, Masturbating is healthy, if you’re not out of control to the point of becoming a home wrecker, cheating on your spouse, or doing it in a way that hurts yourself or hurts others. Sex is beautiful. Masturbation is amazing, It’s a gift. Let’s stop making it so sinful and dirty! Like I said, we make it a sin with our minds! Actually, Masturbation has more benefits then harm It helps with stress, it helps you feel good about your body, and they say it even helps ease period cramps. I have found sometimes it makes my cramps worse. But we are all different. I say give it a try!

So, enjoy your body, enjoy masturbating.  It releases dopamine, which is associated with pleasure, and makes you feel good and puts you in a better mood.

In addition, the hormone oxytocin is released during organism which lowers cortisol levels. What is cortisol levels?

  1. Cortisol plays an important role in a number of things your body does. For example, it:
    1. Manages how your body uses carbohydrates, fats, and proteins
      1.  Keeps inflammation down
      1. Regulates your blood pressure
      1. Increases your blood sugar (glucose)
      1.  Controls your sleep/wake cycle
      1. Boosts energy so you can handle stress and restores balance afterward.

I am sure there are more medical details I could get into but I’ll leave that for your research.

So, yes! I say touch yourself. Get to know yourself. If you want your partner to get to know you, to enjoy your body, and to be aroused by you, then you have to be willing to give him the road map to what pleases you. How do you do that? By exploring and learning your own body. And knowing what pleases you and doesn’t please you.

Listen, some of you are putting your pussy juices on your body as perfume, so don’t come at me for talking about a natural thing like masturbation! Some females today use their own fluids as perfume to attract men! But some of you can’t stand the smell of your fingers when you masturbate or when you have sex! I am not going to discuss how nasty I think it is to put our vajayjay juices on our body, I think that goes back to #4 on my list which is hygiene. I think it is disgusting on so many levels, but I am not going to discuss that today. Next week I will discuss how to embrace your inner Goddess and we will go deeper into this topic.

Okay, so on episode I promised to give you some steps and techniques that can help you not only enjoy your relationships but keep the sex drives elevated during the duration of your relationship. So, let’s dive into this list!!! Shall we?

  1. First, you keep the sex drive elevated by let’s let go of past trauma and forgive those people you haven’t.

Holding on to old pain brings it to the surface in your new relationships. Let go of things that don’t belong in your life tomorrow. This is not healthy for your future and it’s not fair to your next partner. If you get involved with someone new while pain and trauma still linger at the surface, it will cause you to think negatively, act poorly, and you will have distrust in your new relationship. I recommend people get over one person before they even pick a new one because when you’re hurt, you choose wrong. 99.9 % of the time!  (I could go into a lot of detail here, but we will just keep it simple as time is limited)

Let me just say this, hurt people, hurt people. Even if you have great sex when you meet a new person after a breakup, you will still be emotionally unstable and unavailable. Because you didn’t give yourself time to heal. So, heal from past relationships before you get into any intimate or serious relationship. You don’t like being hurt, so don’t go around hurting people.

  • You keep the sex drive elevated by Dating yourself!

I mentioned all this in my previous list but again I’ll go into more detail next week! For now, try to get to know yourself inside and out. (What makes you excited? Your hang-ups, what disappoints or irritates you?  What turns you on and what turns you off? etc. Have discussions with yourself about what you enjoy and what feels overwhelming) Getting to know your true self before the person, helps the right person spot you in the crowd.

  • You keep the sex drive elevated Get a hobby you enjoy! Not what others tell you you’ll enjoy!

Being around like-minded people is important. Yes, as a couple you should go out with other happy, healthy couples, but also make time to be alone. Some people hang out with friends all the time and never find time for each other, and others spend too much time together and never go out! Both of these scenarios require boundaries. Don’t let it get boring! You want it to stay exciting? Then be excited to take the journey with this beautiful person you’ve chosen to invest your time and life with. When you choose a person to be with, just choose them and be excited to be with them. Don’t be on your phone when your out to dinner, don’t have wondering eyes when you’re walking downtown at the festival, don’t lose focus on the person your with. Choose the person and be present with that person.

  • You keep the relationship excited, and You keep the sex drive elevated Go on dates and enjoy the dating process without making any serious commitment to each other for at least a year!

Okay hear me out! There is so much to learn about others, but also to learn about yourself during this dating process. You can learn so much when you are around others and dating. Pay close attention! (Pay attention to kind of people you choose.) Old couples it’s okay to Have fun with date nights. Make it exciting. Leave notes around the house or have flowers or chocolates delivered. to your partners job or if you don’t live together send them something with a note inviting them to a concert, a game, or a nice dinner theater or art show. Being asked on a date is always exciting whether you’ve been together for 2 days, a few months, or many years.  Don’t lose the excitement or anticipation of date nights. Stay engaged.

Remember every intimate encounter and date doesn’t have to end in sex. Men don’t just take your lady out just to get something out of her. (Like sex) Women read into this, and it turns us off. Ladies don’t deprive your man because you feel insecure, or don’t feel like it. Listen if you don’t feel like being intimate with your partner, you shouldn’t even be together. Really! Intimacy is sort of a main part of the relationship. I mean if there is no intimacy, you’re just friends or roommates! So don’t date if you’re not attracted to or intimate with your partner. You are locking people into relationships you’re not even committed to. For what? Just for the title of Husband or Wifey? Its ridiculous. Really. Don’t get into routine dates. Keep the sparks going by keeping the journey exciting. Listen, stop going to the same old places with the same people doing the same things. Week after week, month after month and year after year! I get it you have your routine It’s fun. Great! But you have to remember what fun in the beginning was. It was the exploring and the newness of the relationship. If you can’t have that in year 10, 20, or 40, what’s the point? So…

  1. Trying new things
    1. Learning new things
    1. Going to places neither of you have gone before.
    1. Doing what your partner wants. Their interests!
    1. Go to sex stores, make it exciting and hype it up. Go the extra mile. Dress the part, role play, go stay at a hotel. But whatever you do, don’t let date night get boring. EVER!
  2. You keep the sex drive elevated by Committing to someone only when you are 100% certain you have met someone that satisfies all your senses, (smell, taste, sound, site, touch) and one who is in Alignment with your core beliefs and relationship goals.

Listen chemistry is important but chemistry on EVERY LEVEL is only possible when you are both in alignment with the basic foundations of that relationship. This is why I mentioned focusing on yourself, and healing, and getting comfortable in your own skin first. This is why on every one of my video’s or podcasts I mention journaling and writing down what you want in a relationship and what you don’t want in a relationship.  This is why reflection is so important. Reflecting on the decisions you make. These things are important so you can be your true self and still connect on a higher level. When you find a connection that is unexplainable and incomparable to anything that you just pick up in a club or on a dating app. It has to be genuine and real. But both people must be in it to win it! Both people must be giving 120% or else it won’t work. Who you commit to matters because that person will have a smell, they will be the voice in your head, they will make weird sounds, and do weird things, they will have a certain way of touching you or not touching you, and a way they want to touch you, and you will see this person in many different lights. So, if you can’t handle all their parts, you will eventually be turned off. So, whomever you commit to, you better make sure their flaws turn you on, or you will be turned off! And tuned out! And that relationship will not only lack spark, but it will kill your soul before it ends. And you will be stuck and living in regret!    

  • You keep the sex drive elevated when you Know your body inside and out and you are certain your partner is just as self-aware of his body.

When your dating and flirting ask questions. You need to be with someone who is on the same level as you in all areas of life so that your connection is eminent.

  1. Do you ask each other intimate questions?
    1. Are you curious about one another intimately?
    1. I am trying to stay focused on the sexual aspect of relationships for this podcast, but I just want to make it clear that intimacy starts with the connection you both have mentally emotionally, and verbally. Not just physically.
    1. If you see something that intrigues you online, will you send it to them just so you can talk about it later? And what does that conversation look like? Is there substance and is your energy being reciprocated?
    1. Listen, they have a ton of yes, no, & maybe quizzes that will get the conversations started. You both answer the questions and then you discuss your answers. I don’t care what test you take, but get the conversation started.

You need to talk about the things you will and won’t accept in the bedroom. If you have not had this conversation before sex, you’re missing out! I am just saying! I have personally done this, and I can tell you from experience that the comfort in knowing you’ve encountered someone who is in alignment with the things you absolutely love doing, things you absolutely won’t do, and to be comfortable enough to discuss the things you might like to try is empowering. I won’t go into detail about this, but let me just say, when you have this conversation, and you have a good connection with someone, and when you’re in alignment, you won’t even have to be in the same room as this person and you will feel aroused by the thought of them.  

  • You keep the sex drive elevated Talk to him and communicate in and out of the bedroom (

clear communication should be done before and after you have sex. Create space for communication with no interruptions. Get to know what drives each other in life and what ignites the fire in the bedroom! Listen sex is great no doubt. Especially when you find someone you feel connected to, but you have to be curious about your partner’s life goals too.

You can’t have great relationships if your entire relationship is built on lack in one or more areas. Learning and being excited about the future is arousing. It should be exciting and anticipated. You should be moved by the person you’re talking to or spending your time with. They should inspire you, encourage you, and awaken a drive inside you for a desire to experience this life to the fullest. And vice versa. Talking about plans ahead. Dreaming, fantasizing, it all adds to the excitement of the journey. If you’re just getting into relationships and having great sex but missing the healthier parts which make up the entire relationship you will be in lack. If you have a great friendship and do certain areas of life great but lack in intimacy, then you will always be looking to fill that void.

Relationships have become complicated. Our expectations for other people have gotten out of control. Our lack of self-worth and self-respect has lost meaning and significance. We don’t value ourselves and we don’t value those who do. It’s complex and difficult to make decisions based on the people we surround ourselves with. We lose vision and clarity in ourselves because of those people. And yet, we continue to choose them.

IN CONCLUSION

I don’t know how to end today’s blogs if I am honest. I am at a crossroads myself. I have met many wonderful men in my 8 years of singleness and although they are each different with wonderful qualities the one thing, I am finding to be true, most people are emotionally unavailable because humans are emotional beings, but they are definitely physically unavailable.  

They don’t know what they want in their own life and when they get what they think they want they push it away due to some radical belief system. Let me end with some advice…

Get wisdom my friends because it is the treasure of life. keep the sex drive elevated Take hold of courage and embrace the unknown without expecting results. Because what you envision when you visualize another person in your life and in your future, you could be setting yourself up for failure by not listening to your own heart. Fantasies are just that, it’s imaginary illusion that you desire which could be erased overnight. Literally!  So go in good judgment and make good decisions and in choosing your relationships choose wisely!

Come back next week where I will talk about embracing your inner goddess. Until then guys, remember “You change with someone not for someone”. So go on be the sexy goddess you are, be blessed, be curious, and be prudent! But mostly be loved!

SEX AND RELATIOSHIPS, HOW THIRSTY ARE YOU?

CHRISTINA DITZEL Leave a comment

Photo by ROMAN ODINTSOV on Pexels.com

Hello guys and thank you so much for tuning out the noise and tuning into todays’ blog. This month we are talking about sex and relationships. If you’d rather listen to the podcast please go to Zen Lenz Media or go to any Podcast app. (If you can’t find me on let me know and I will direct you) I think it’s important to discuss sex because we live in a society where sex is consuming us. We have people struggling with porn addiction and sexual harassment and sex in relationships has been tainted. So, when I say, “How thirsty are you?” I hope this question makes you reflect on yourself and how you view sex rather than what the world says about it.

Listen I am going to start off on a downer, but that is what Zen Lenz Media is all about! It’s Looking at our reality and getting perspective so we can look at our life through a new lens. By doing this we can overcome and transform ourselves and our life. I have to speak about sexual abuse first because many of us have experienced some sort of sexual abuse and we push it down and never deal with it and it consumes us. We wonder why our relationships don’t work, and I am here to help you face some of the demands that might help you understand why you act the way do, AKA “ACT SO THIRSTY”, and also look at the reasons all your relationships fail or are unfulfilling.

Now, I know what it is to suffer sexual, physical, mental and substance abuse but I also know the power of overcoming the things that kept me stuck and attached to those things. The one thing we can have control of is our mind and our body!!! It just takes one choice and one action to change our life forever! And choices begin with a mindset shift.

So let me ask you this, when you think of thirst, what does your mind tell you that you’re thirsty for?

Sex and sexual Abuse

Listen beautiful people, this is a hard topic, but I am starting with this before I get into the juicy stuff, because too many people don’t want to face their past trauma. And I feel like it’s no surprise that many of us have experienced sexual trauma as children. I mean our society is promoting sexual harassment just by allowing transgender men into women’s bathrooms. We get into these cycles of moving on and living in the moment, and we never find happiness in anything we do. We’re all pretty self-aware, enough to realize that facing our trauma brings it to the surface. But when our past traumatic experiences are not delt with they enter in and out of every relationship we have. Some people don’t even realize they’re doing this. But hopefully today you will come to the realization and make the appropriate adjustments. So, let’s work on this for second.

            TRUTH IS: when we experience trauma and we push it down and ignore it, that just gives it space to fester into behavior patterns as we get older. And every time we get hurt, it brings up another experience that again, gets pushed down and turns into behavior patterns.  And we continue to stuff, stuff, stuff, down all our feelings and emotions. Then, when we find someone who isn’t intentionally trying to hurt us, we explode all our stuff onto them assuming they are like everyone else. And why do we do that? Well, because one little word, or one little action triggered our subconscious mind back to a memory of a past traumatic experience that we never delt with in the first place!

            Further: when we don’t heal and cope with our past traumatic experiences, we create patterns that keep us attracting the same kinds of people, and we never find relationships with people who build us up. And this is partly our own fault because we didn’t work on our insecurities. We take everything so dam personal and we end up so sensitive to pain, that in our reality, the Lense we look through, is filled with everyone who is out to get us. Even when that may not be the case. What our truth is in our mind, can be distorted if we don’t clear out the clutter in our mind.  

Look I understand trauma from sexual abuse can cause woman (and men) to react toward sex differently. I have heard many stories from young teen girls, grown men, and women I mentor. Although we all experience and react differently, we all feel a loss of control, and the lens we look through which is our reality, is our life constantly spiraling out of control.  But I also know we can overcome the trauma from sexual abuse because I’ve overcome it myself. I can tell you this, “locking it in” is not helping you, because you carry yourself, those experiences, and those problems with you everywhere you go. In an out of every relationship. In and out of every job, every church group, every friendship, and every business deal you make. When you hold on to baggage you carry baggage with you! Unless you release it, forgive it, and change your perspective, the way you think and feel about your life, you will never do anything to change your life.

So, whether you believe it was fate that brought you here, or a divine intervention, I am here to tell you that you can discover life by looking at it from a completely new lens. Sometimes we just need a nudge in the right direction. And that is where I come in! To be your muse is to be your inspiration but also to show you truth and make you face it head on.

Let’s talk about what sex means to you!

Okay so before I give you all the “T” and dive into a juicy story about a woman at the well, let’s talk about sex in relationships for a second!!! I mean, some of you are so thirsty! You’re so thirsty for attention.

So, let’s talk about SEX: Means we have to talk about how you look, feel, and treat yourself before and after sex. Because society and trauma has distorted sex. Which God gave us to enjoy. Its not a freaking sin. We make it sin with our minds. So let me ask you a few questions:

  1. Ladies, do you love your body?
  2. Do your clothes make you feel comfortable and represent how you feel daily?
  3. Are you secure in your own skin?
  4. How’s your hygiene?
  5. How do you like to be touched and are you comfortable touching yourself?
  6. Do you have a pure, clean, and safe view of sex?

Well, here’s the thing, if we, as women have been mistreated sexually and we have not learned to respect and love our own bodies with a certain regard for our own admiration of our body, we disregard our self-esteem and give away approval to anyone and everyone who is willing to give us the slightest bit of attention.  We’re thirsty! Then we become very disappointed when we are ghosted, cheated on, or feel used in some way. Basically, we lose respect for ourselves, and no one ever really respects us, because they never witnessed what respect looks like through our own eyes! Because you’re not making people see you through your lens of respect! Let me explain!

We all have very different perspectives when it comes to respect, love, family morals etc. So, whatever Lenz you’re looking through (your perspective on life) you must be living as an example so others can see through your lens by the way you act, speak, and carry yourself. Because they can’t read your mind, they read your body language and listen to words you speak.

We put all these expectations on men to respect us and have self-control, but we flaunt our body, and speak words that demean our character and the true essence of who we are at the very core of our being.  What I am saying is, “Every time you disregard your own worth, you give away a piece of your soul”.

See, I dated men who have been super insecure, and it drove me crazy! If I am honest, I hated even engaging and having sex with them because of their hesitance to take control. It wasn’t that my sex drive was lacking, it was the fact that I just wasn’t turned on by them. Their character lacked the enticing engagement, that boldness, and that mental substance I required.

When people are depressed and self-engaged there is nothing attractive about them! It’s like everyone is on the hunt for something that brings pleasure and if they don’t get pleasure from one thing, they will move on to something else.

And this is what happens in most relationships today, isn’t it? We don’t get what we want in our current relationship, so we go on the hunt for something or someone who will fill that void.

The women at the Well (John 4)

Okay so, If you’re not familiar with the story of the Samaritan women at the well, you have to go read it!  It’s in the Book of John chapter 4 in the bible. If you don’ read any other story in the bible, go read this one.

Okay so basically it goes something like this:

Jesus is traveling with his disciples, and he wants to stop at the well in Samaria, but they are not even supposed to go that way because they are Jews. But Jesus is Jesus, so the disciples just do what he says. Obviously, He knows this girl is going to be there because, well, he is all knowing, right? So, He sends his disciples into town to get food and then he goes over and sits at the well and waits for this Samaritan woman.

Okay, can I be honest, first time I heard this story I’m thinking “oh Jesus is about to get his freak on because he sent his disciples away, to go eat while he talks to this woman, right?” He planned this meet up, right? Hold up! It gets better….

So, she shows up and is struggling with these huge gallons of water trying to drop them down the well to fetch her water. Like seriously! So back then the women would walk for miles to this well to fetch watcher in these huge clay pitchers. Can you imagine carrying heavy pottery pitchers over your shoulders or on your head for miles in the heat? Not to mention, this particular woman had to go out at noon, in the hottest part of the day because other women in the town didn’t like her because they viewed her as “unclean”.  So, they didn’t want to be seen with her. So, she couldn’t go with them in the early morning when it was cooler.

So now she sees this man sitting there at the well and he has the audacity to ask her for a drink of water!

Excuse me? Okay hold up! I just walked all this way, in the heat of day, with these heavy pitchers, which you don’t even have a pitcher, and you want me to give you one of mine?

Let me remind you that he is not supposed to be talking to her because he is a Jew. And Jews don’t talk to Samaritans. That’s so Racist if I do say so myself…but whatever!

So, Jesus asks her for some water, and she basically said, “ABSOLUTELY NOT”! Jesus answered her, “If you knew who it was that asks you for a drink, you would have asked him, and he would have given you “Living water”!

She’s like “what? Excuse me?”

Listen to this. Here is where it gets interesting!

The woman continues to give all these excuses of why she can’t give him any water from the well and they banter back and forth. This probably goes on for about 20-30 minutes, I’m guessing.

She continues, “You have nothing to draw with and the well is deep. Where can you get this living water? Are you greater than our father Jacob, who gave us the well and drank from it himself, as did also his sons and his livestock?”

Here is where we realize how “thirsty” this woman really is …. He replies to her and says: “anyone who drinks this water will soon become thirsty again, but those who drink the water I give, will never be thirsty again. It becomes a fresh bubbling spring within them, giving them eternal life.”

Now, I am about to help some of you, “thirsty” ladies out there.

Listen, he knows she is living with this man who is not her husband, and he also knows she had 5 husbands prior. He literally reminds her of all the things she has done, but wait because, he does it in a way where he is like:

“I know your thirsty women, let me help you.”

No just kidding…. seriously!Jesus had self-control! Well, that is what we are told anyway! So let’s Chill out! Jesus was not a player!

So, Jesus and this woman, exchange a few more words back and forth, and now she is at his mercy begging for this living water that He claims to have. She like “give me this water so I never get thirsty again and I won’t have to keep coming back here just to get water! Jesus convinces her she needs this living water but then

Then he says: “Okay, Go get your husband.”

“I have no husband,” she replied.

Well dah! He knows that!

Jesus continues: “You are right when you say you have no husband. The fact is, you had five husbands, and the man you are with now is not your husband.”

And now she is really offended because of course she isn’t married to the man she is with, so she feels even more unclean! And to top it all off, she just realized she is talking to a prophet! But wait! Because little does she know, she is about to find out she is actually talking to the messiah! The chosen one that these people have been waiting for.

Let’s pause for a minute here because most preachers and teachers want to make it like this woman was some kind prostitute and that is not the case. In fact, if she was an adulterous woman or a prostitute she would have been stones before she even had a chance to marry 2 3 4 and 5 times. So let that sink in. For those ladies who are in abusive or toxic and unhealthy relationships, nowhere does it say we can’t marry more than one man. In fact, many men in the bible had SEVERAL WIVES. So, let’s get that cleared up. Because man likes to twist things to gain power! And how do they get power in the church? By keeping you feeling guilty for all your so called “bad behaviors and sinful nature”, The bible says the Lord was tempted in the flesh and he was God! So he already knows how difficult it is in this flesh. Stop feeling so damn guilty for everything you do. Stop feeling shameful for the things you allowed people to do to you and stop being afraid of people. They have no power over you unless you give it to them.

So now she realizes he is a prophet. The story continues.

Sir,” the woman said, “I can see that you are a prophet.Our ancestors worshiped on this mountain, but you Jews claim that the place where we must worship is in Jerusalem.”

I want you to hear this because this is important too!

“Woman,” He says, “believe me, a time is coming when you will worship the Father neither on this mountain nor in Jerusalem. You Samaritans worship what you do not know; we worship what we do know, for salvation is from the Jews.” 

Okay Jesus is a little arrogant here, but that’s normal for middle eastern men, right? Let’s not read into that too much because he is about to make salvation available not just to her but to everyone.

He didn’t come to abolish any laws he only came for salvation for all but through one.

He continues, “…Yet a time is coming and has now come when the true worshipers will worship the Father in the Spirit and in truth for, they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks: “God is spirit, and His worshipers must worship in the Spirit and in truth.”

Did you hear what he just said? In the spirit and the truth. Jesus is the spirit and the Truth.

So, the woman responds. “I know that the Messiah (called Christ) is coming. When he comes, he will explain everything to us.”

Notice, she is not trying to hear him! She is like, when the real Christ comes, he will tell us everything we need to know”. Like you’re not going to tell me anything right now! I am waiting on God!

Like this is some of you right now. God puts someone in front of you to give you a clear message and you ignore it because you think God coming from heavens with loud trumpets, this White hair, and flaming feet, and a sword in hand.  Like, stop making our God a scary looking albino looking for someone to devour! You’re literally making him the devil and you’re becoming the devil in the process! Just saying.

Then Jesus declared, “I, the one speaking to you—I am He.”

He wasn’t scary looking. In fact, I see a genuine, handsome, middle eastern man who knew what his mission was from a child, and he is not abandoning that for anyone. But he is here for the salvation of everyone. To give us all hope and a future! You can’t have a future sitting around thirsty for fleshly things that offer temporary pleasures when your soul is thirsty for spirit and truth which lasts for eternity.

So this woman finally starts to get it! I know she had to be freaking out at this point! She just realized this whole time she has not only been talking to this strange man about her “life, but to the messiah! Listen, the world made her feel dirty and sinful about her life. And yet the most clean, pure, self-controlled and lets say handsome, man comes to her and shows her respect, acceptance, and Love. I would drop to his feet if I met a man like that today! And not in a sexual manner, but in a holy, loving, worshiping way. At the end of the day, we all thirst for that kind of admiration. Don’t we? The kind that just bears witness to our real life, the good the bad, the beautiful parts, the ugly parts, along with the unclean and the clean parts that make up who we truly are. We want acceptance for our true being. But not so we stay there! So, we can be held accountable, and move forward into an eternal life of abundance.

See God wants us to be thirsty, but not just for things that hold no real long term value to our personal mission in life. I say this all the time:

“we are all living this life together, but we all experience it differently.

We have to embrace our differences and stop being ashamed of our diversities. We were created in a world full of variety, so we can teach each other, learn from one another, and put the pieces of our life together by the connections that we have, because of those differences. We are supposed to all work together as good and pleasing servants, for his Will to be done! And the only way to do that is to submit to the holy spirit. The spirit of truth.

We can’t change what was already created perfectly. Listen, when I was learning to program, I realized that when creating code for a specific program, I had to be very mindful of every single piece of code. The programs only work when the right procedures are followed. When you’re writing code you have to think of all the users and you have to be giving the right prompts to the program, so the program can send the right response to the user.

If you try to go outside the foundation of the programs code and try to go against what it was built to do, warning signs come up and sometimes the entire system breaks. As the programmer it’s frustrating because it causes us to start over and rewrite some of the code. And although it may take several attempts to get all the code right for one program just to work, once the foundation of the code is set, I could reuse it across any new project or any platform I wanted. It is checked and checked again for flaws until it is perfected. So, remember, you might need to check yourself, and check yourself again before you get to perfection. But it is more likely you reach perfection the more you learn and the more tweak.     

So eventually, the Disciples Rejoined Jesus. They were shocked to see him talking to this woman, but they dare not say anything to him or question Him! I can see the disciples here thinking “Was Jesus just getting his flirt on?”  Like seriously?! LOL!

Like what is going on here! If I were the disciples, I would be asking questions!

Like “if Jesus was so tired and thirsty why did he wait here at the well with this Samaritan woman, who he should not even be speaking to? Rather he should have come into town with us to get food and drink.

And then to top this story off, when the disciples show up this lady runs off into town? Like Really? I have questions!Iknow the disciples had questions! I know Peter was like “Bro, tell me the truth, I won’t tell the other disciples, did you hit that?”

 Like you know when you think of the men Jesus ran with, and you think of the men today, you know their mentality! Nothing under the sun has changed. So, people haven’t changed! There is just more corruption because we have social media which shows us how others are acting and it’s becoming accepted.  But no! The disciples didn’t question him. It says, “no one dared question him”! We do not want him putting his father’s wrath on us, right? Like we saw this man do miracles right in front of us. We do not know what he is capable of! Let’s not make him angry. Let’s just do the right thing today, keep pure thoughts, and move on.

Okay so the story continues: she went into town and tells everyone about this man who told her everything she has done. No ladies, sorry to disappoint you all! She wasn’t into Jesus! He is not her next victim that she is going to sink her claws into and marry him! She was just so excited about the things he told her and couldn’t wait to tell everyone that she might have just been the first to witness of the messiah. “Could this be the Messiah?” she said to all the people in town.

Remember what Jesus said to her:

“God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship in the Spirit and in truth.”

IN SPIRIT AND IN TRUTH Y’ALL! Hear this please!

This woman ran off so quickly with excitement not only because he told her everything she did, but he comforted her in her convictions of the things she did and made her feel clean again. She knew to the very core of her being, that no one person could make her feel that way. Accept the messiah! When he did that, in their short interaction and time together, she knew in that moment that He was not only the messiah, but that He was the spirit and the truth!

This is such a beautiful story and example of God and his love for us.

There was a point in their banter back and forth where I’m positive she felt so guilty for having all those husbands. But get this, he professed to her that he has not gone public yet. So, she was the first one he told that he was the messiah. Do you know how huge that is?

 She was the first one to bear witness. Do you know how that must have made her feel? I can’t even imagine! When I watched this clip on the chosen series, I bawled my eyes out because even though I don’t know what it would feel like to be standing in front of Jesus’s flesh and blood, but I do know what salvation feels like through him. And it’s an overwhelming, fulfilling pleasure that is unlike anything sexual or physical to my flesh. It goes deeper and reaches down to the very core of my soul. It is like a spring of water welling up to eternal life!

What women wouldn’t want a man to profess his faith, trust, and entire being to her? If the messiah came to me and declared his role as the savior of the world, and I was the first person who bared witness, as an unclean woman, as someone people in this world look down on, I would feel so special and so loved that I would devote my life to Him and wouldn’t give a shit what people thought about me! I would want him to know how grateful I was for his sacrifice to even take the chance to speak to me. I mean he was a Jew! And she was not just a Samaritan woman, but she was an UNCLEAN Samaritan woman. As the messiah, why would he choose her first?

Well, maybe we can discuss that on another episode, because I have a lot to say about the kind of the people Jesus chose to save in his walk and who he chose to walk with for those three years on mission.

How do we worship in spirit and in truth? And what does that have to do with being thirsty?

 I know your probably thinking, “Christina can you get to the point”! Okay Let me jump right back in with this question. How thirsty are you and what are you thirsting for? When I was a kid playing outside it got hot here in Florida. And if I was thirsty, I never asked for a drink of water because I had access to a hose with water that ran freely whenever I felt dehydrated. I could always fill up a cup or drink straight from the hose whenever I wanted. Thirsty in today’s generation means something a little different. The new urban dictionary describes it as “validation and attention”. And people today, women and men usually take a sexual approach to get that attention. It is not unusual to see thirst traps on social media. In fact, it’s the new norm for gaining a following.

In Mathew 7: 7-8 it says, “Ask and it shall be given, seek and you shall find, knock and the door will be open to you”.  To break this passage down I’d like to first get us to understand that Jesus is Spirit and the truth. We have to also acknowledge that when he left this world in the flesh, he left us an advocate which he called the holy spirit.

Whatever the desire of your heart is, you are to ask for it in Jesus’ name, and then seek until you find it, and then there is one more step, you must knock until the door opens. The way I have always looked at this passage and put it into action was to “want whatever the desires are that he puts on my heart like an addict wants his next fix”. In other words, be thirsty enough to go chase after what you want. But do it in the spirit and in truth so that you have a spring of water that surges up into your soul and nourishes you to eternal life. You can’t do this by being thirsty for fleshly things. Let me just say that. You do this by living a life present with the sprit and walking in the truth.

First you have to realize…YOU pick and choose all your relationships, you choose those jobs, you go to those places, you spend your money and buy those things that hold no real value, you post those images and send those texts, and you make all the choices you make without concern of the future consequences. You pick the things that are toxic, they don’t lift your spirit up. I want you to realize today that you have a choice to change the things you hate about yourself.

It’s okay to enjoy Life and enjoy Sex

You have become so attracted to trauma that when things are going well and you find a nice guy, but there is no major drama going on, it becomes boring for you. You’ve become so used to the trauma that without the distraction of chaos you feel bord, lonely, and complaisant. We live in a society that is turned on by abuse! Why are we so attracted to drama and trauma? Have you noticed narcissism is on the rise? Everyone is a freaking narcissist! It’s ridiculous.

Most people today have an entitlement mentality. Most People will easily benefit themselves at the expense of hurting others! And I would go as far to say everyone wants recognition! And a lot of people today feel threatened and get angry when someone doesn’t agree with their politics, theories, philosophies, or belief systems. This is narcissism at its core. I’ve come to realize that everyone, and I mean everyone, has some narcissistic tendencies. We want control. We need control. Fight, flight, or freeze is human nature. There is no training that could subdue that.  And if there is, someone who can, please direct me to the one who can take me down that path. So far, the closest I’ve been through Jesus. But I still fall short.

They make movies like 50 shades of grey and 365 days and we are so attracted to all the drama. It literally turns us on! We want that kind of controlling and toxic relationship because the media is romancing sexual and physical abuse. We are a species that can adjust to our environment, and we have adjusted to this idea that it’s normal and okay to have abusive, toxic, and same sex relationships. Then when a man comes to a woman and is like super respectful and or doesn’t kiss us on the first date, we think “what’s wrong with me?”. We start questioning if he is gay, married, or if he just saw all of our flaws and eventually insecurity creeps in!

Sex and relationships have lost purpose! So, we are thirsty humans looking for attention any way we can get it.

Now let’s make something very clear right now, I know some of the Gen Z and millennials will say my theory is ancient, but I promise, there is a ton of logic to my madness! Just stay with me for a second!

Sex is supposed to bring two people closer, and in essence it does. There is a thing called soul ties. Just saying! That is why women get so emotionally attached and hurt when a guy has sex with her and then doesn’t call back. Even if he wasn’t that good in bed, didn’t satisfy her, or even if she wasn’t that attracted to him in the first place, she still feels some kind of way. But she will justify her own actions with insults at him. Saying things like “he didn’t even satisfy me”, or “his penis was too small”, or whatever dig she can get at him. Listen, Men do this too don’t let them fool you! I’ve slept with men, and then found myself rushing out of there like a crazy person who just woke up from drunken spiral! Only to get a phone call asking me “why did you leave so soon beautiful? Do you want to go get breakfast?”

But see, if he was distant before we had sex or showed any red flags, I would have stuck it out just to see if I could tame him. But if I know he is one of the nice guys; I assume he would never call back after I slept with him. I’d try to gain control back. Why would he call me back? I just gave up the goods and If I know men, he’s off to the next victim. Unless he’s not! See dating for 7 years and staying single is fun and can be a great learning experience for what you want and don’t want in our next serious relationship. But it also teaches us the meaning of intimacy and the connection two people have during sexual intercourse.

You get to see all the sides of men. And all their similar characteristics and all their different features. You can explore the qualities you love in a man and the ones you don’t. Listen being single for 8 years doesn’t go without it struggles. Especially a woman in her 40’s who is in her prime. Let me just say, It doesn’t go without it difficulties. Thirsty, is an understatement. LoL.

But let me end with this. Life will always have its struggles no matter who you are with. So, it’s not WHO we thirst for, but WHAT we thirst for. If you can get the” WHAT” down, you will eventually meet the “WHO” that aligns with your WHAT.  And when you find that, you will thirst no more. But you will live a life filled with springs of water bubbling up to eternal life for all to witness. You become the living spirt through truth by the example of how you live and have relationships. Remember You can’t have a future sitting around thirsty for fleshly things that offer temporary pleasures when your soul is thirsty for spirit and truth which lasts for eternity.

Okay guys that’s it for today! Come back next week and I will dive into 7 steps and give you some techniques that can help you not only enjoy your relationships while also keeping the sex drives elevated during the duration of your relationship. Let’s get together and find solutions for better, healthier relationships so we don’t have to use thirst traps to get what we really desire. Go forward today, make better decisions tomorrow, and live in abundance.

Where is My Holidate (Part 2)

CHRISTINA DITZEL Leave a comment

Photo by ROMAN ODINTSOV on Pexels.com

As I was saying, time is our most precious commodity in life. I say “commodity” because I’ve noticed how easily people give up their time. Our time can be bought or given away for free. Don’t waste it on people who devalue their own time, because they will waste your time in the process! When I finally took a moment to breath and be in the moment, my life changed drastically! I not only valued my time, but I respected my own values by not allowing “time wasters” into my life. I spent some time alone with myself figuring out who I was and wo I wanted to be, then some more time figuring out what kind of guy I wanted in my life, and the kind of guy I didn’t want in my life. And when I figured out the kind of life I wanted to live and the kind of person I wanted to be, I realized quickly the kind of guy I actually wanted in my life. I realized very early in the game that the kind of guy I wanted in my life, really wouldn’t like the person I was prior to me working on me. So, I spent the next 5 years becoming the kind of person, “my ideal partner” would not only like but love! Once I did that, I realized I would rather be single then settled. And I no longer wanted to waste my time with men (or people) who would hold no value in the life I wanted to live. See, when you get alone with yourself to actually figure out what the hell you want, you stop wasting time on the people and things that make you miserable! Try to remember this one very important rule: “When you’re miserable so are the people you hang around” 

See, when we get a moment to gain clarity and perspective, our mind and motives, become abundantly clear. Suddenly we get this desire and passion for life, and in the process, we realize how precious our time truly is. Take it from me, when you’ve been single for a while, you never want to lose yourself to someone who doesn’t have the same vision, desire, or values for life, that you hold. Settling is not an option! This feeling is only something you can understand when you’ve spent enough time “alone and happy. That’s right, I said alone and happy! I can’t believe the amount of people in this world that struggle to be alone with themselves, but then they are confused why no one else wants to be alone with them. (smh) If you can’t be alone with you, don’t expect others to want to be alone with you!

Most single, independent women (and men) who have been single for any amount of time, have learned to embrace every season with purpose. One thing I’ve learned being single, is that I can go through struggles knowing I will regain new strength and meaning for each day! It is indescribable how resilient we become once we focus on the big picture. It is not something you can teach but must live to truly understand. Basically, if we can live life clinging to every season with grace and eagerness for more experiences and lessons, then we will live a life filled with experiences and lessons. Try to remember “We grow through what we go through”. We don’t want people in our life that add weight to our already heavy life. Rather, we want someone to come along for the ride with us who can handle the journey, building a life together! Most people who are 40 and up have already been with someone who drove them through hell and back at least once and they refuse to allow that happen again. I did say “most”. But some of you are a glutton for punishment because you never take the time to get over on before you get right on top of another!!! Yes, a little crude, but true. Com ‘on you know I am right! Quite frankly, many women over 40 are tired of cleaning up the damage you had with your ex. So, as the saying goes, “we would much rather be single than settled”.

Truth is that self-sufficient women don’t want someone who can’t handle the struggles of life. Life happens all the time and if a man can’t be strong and walk forward confidently in the struggles, why would she need him? She has been single this long and done just fine! Funny isn’t it, men say all they want is to feel needed, important, appreciated and loved, but most men don’t understand what those things mean to him. Let me also add Girls will not “Give sex for love” guys, that shit isn’t working anymore! We figured out; we love ourselves more and if we’re honest, they have toys that work magic for women today. Just saying!

Here is a prime example of what I am talking about…. I am scrolling through Facebook at 5am and this ad popped up. Obviously, another coaching ad! This female (we will call her Silly Sally) claimed to be offering help to all the “Independent single women who struggled to find a real man”. So, I decided to read into the comments, because there was no way I was clicking that link!

(Giggles) as I ask myself “who the hell told Facebook I was struggling to find a man? Why is this ad in my feed?” (scratching my head, rolling my eyes) “whatever….reading on…”

So, the creator continued to speak of how she was this “Single independent women” who moved and traveled for a year until she met this “great guy”! Then she proceeded to explain how she ended up with him and they moved in together after only 3 months! HELLO! WAIT! WHAT? WTF! Can someone say RED FLAG????!!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE TODAY!! So quick to move in with each other! So, let me get this straight! This is a “Successful and Independent woman who is selling a program for women to “give up control” so she can be with a real man?” Umm…I’d love to be a fly on the wall at her house today! LOL Listen, real men don’t need you to give up control! Real men want powerful women and visa-versa! Powerful people need each other because they fuel one another. Bottom line! So don’t dumb down your character, tune in to your genius and recognize the red flags early on. Stop dating based on attraction, status, and sex!! There is no way sh learned enough about that guy in just 3 months. Shit like that drives me batty that women follow her and buy into her program because she is claiming to be a dating expert because she met some stranger at the peak of her career while traveling. And now they live together after three months so that makes her a expert? Are you freaking kidding me? That makes her an idiot!!!

Look, Men who find successful women intimidating are the ones will always fight and argue with her because they feel this need to “win”. Those are insecure, ego driven, ass holes with no real purpose in life. It’s very narcissistic. Let me fuel your soul with some wisdom right now…”If you are giving up control for any man, your weak and more codependent than independent! And you will never find your voice hiding behind anyone else’s ego”!

“Where are all the courageous men and all the strong women?”

So, if your single this holiday remember, independent women who want a partner, do NOT want to mother their partner! women, not all men are looking to take advantage of you for their own pleasure. Truth is, there are good and evil people in this world, and you must be one of the good ones to find the good ones, and then weed out the bad ones. I am a hopeless romantic, so I do believe in love. Especially during the holidays. I may not be the writer that believes in “love at first site” and Maybe I don’t agree with “moving in with someone too quickly”, But the magic I foresee goes beyond the basic romantic novels I read and write. I want happiness for myself, and I most certainly want happiness for my readers. But mostly, I want those individuals who feel lonely during the holiday season to find happiness inside themselves. I want more people to live in the moment, find contentment and happiness in their singleness, and discover a new life in the journey. Each person has a little crazy inside them. It’s okay to be strange and unusually. Embrace it, because that could be the very thing that attract your person. I admit it, I can be a little corky sometimes, my belief systems can seem a little “out of this world”, and my obsession with ORGANIC can be a little extreme. But I actually enjoy being single, so I embrace my weird, corky habits and hobbies. Maybe it’s the awkwardness of a first date or the “interview” like process that goes with the first date, that makes me avoid dating at all costs. (Giggles at self) Or it could just be that I want something that comes natural, easy, and leaves me craving more. After 7 years being single, I have never been on a date that has left me craving for a third date. I sadly admit they usually end by then! True story! Definitely a blog for another day.

Inquiring minds still want to know …… WHERE IS MY HOLIDATE?

I know! I Know! I am waiting patiently as well!! So, I guess until Mr. Holidate comes along, we will have to wait another year and see how or who the universe brings our way…

“WHERE’S MY HOLLIDATE”? (Part 1)

CHRISTINA DITZEL Leave a comment

“They are either really buff and not that bright, or their really bright and have commitment issues”!

Let’s face it, the holidays get closer, and singleness sort of sucks! You want someone sitting by your side during holiday dinners or standing next to you at all those Christmas and New Year’s events. We each have an innate desire for a companion. Whether it be an intimate relationship or just a simple friendship. But no one truly enjoys being alone during the holidays.

Most single women want the kind of man who sees her for who she truly is. A sexy goddess who has internal and external desires, passions, and dreams. Someone who will build her up! Not that confident woman these days “Need” any man to confirm how amazing she truly is! Since she already puts herself on a 100ft pedestal!  But let’s be honest, deep down to the very core of our souls, women (and men) just want the kind of person that adds excitement and value to our life. You know that person that sees you from across the room and knows the perfect thing to say, just to save you from that family member with all the drama. Or the one that helps you avoid those awkward questions about how you are single for the umpteenth year!

But still, I find myself asking this question…”where are all the good men that are worthy enough to bring home for the holidays?” “Inquiring minds want to know”! Where is my “holidate”? Where are the men that have bodies and brains? Where are the men that don’t have commitment issues…? or “mommy issues” or any issues for that matter! Ugh. It feels like more and more men are embracing Christian Grey’s role of being “50 shades of fucked up!!”

Truth be told, it really is exhausting as a single, independent women who is looking for a date during the holidays. Or any days for that matter! When you’ve been single for any amount of time, you can expect questions about your singleness to head your way. As if those lonely holiday events weren’t dreadful enough…Here they come…. WAT FOR IT…

“Why are you still single?”

Are you dating anyone?”

Girl, when are you going to get out there and start dating again?”

 “Don’t you get lonely

“Don’t you get horny

Uh, like seriously! WTF

I can’t tell you how many single, independent women are sick of these questions! YES! We are obviously still single! And YES! We are always (secretly) looking around! And YES! We get lonely…sometimes! And YES! We go on more dates than we’d like to admit! But it is quite exhausting! And while everyone around you is expecting you to show up with a guy, just for the sake of not being the 3rd, 5th, or 9teenth wheel in the room, is even more daunting than going on all those time-wasting dates!Those of you who have been with someone for the last decade, let me just say that dating is not what it used to be. Work it out! Be happy with what you have and make the best of it. You picked him (or her) for some god-awful reason, and you really think you’re in a place to find something better? ha ha ha Think again my friend!!! Because people out here today…. umm not kidding…… I have one word for you…. CRAZY!

People in the dating scene today, are all kinds of mixed up! I don’t know if its the COVID JUICE, or what, but people have no clue what they want, and what they dont want. People in the dating scene are not themselves and don’t know how to act on a date! Dating is just exhausting! Honestly, after going on about 100+ dates, (could be exaggerating just a little…. maybe) I have acknowledged a consistency and pattern with the men I have gone out with lately. For instance, did you know most men actually have expectations for women to fulfill certain needs, wants, and desires? Oh YES! But the real kicker, is that they can’t even figure out what they actually want, need or desire. (Scratching my head and giggling) So basically the expectations they have for their dates, are irrelevant until they figure it out themselves! Insecure and naive women who date these men are bound to fail and will end up losing themselves to these narcissistic animals! If I may be blunt …(as if I  haven’t been already) I feel like most people today run-on greed. The thoughts, actions, and intentions some individuals have today are negative and selfish with underlining motives!  And trust me when I say, “they are never good”! This is because when men and women go on dates, they act so fake right out the gates! So many people today are insecure, and “codependent”! They don’t know how to be themselves around strangers without putting up a front. I just don’t understand it!

To define yourself through someone else’s eyes, only leads to confusion, and unhealthy relationships. What we want in life and what we want in a partner must be known. Furthermore, we must be a representation of what our expectations are. All single people should decide to spend enough time alone to get over their last relationship and also to discover who they truly are without anyone. Who are you before the person?  Are you true to yourself or do you see what is trending and follow all “the cool kids”? Funny how people say they know what they want, but they either follow the trend or expect their partner to “represent” for them. I just wish men would stop sexualizing women, and women would stop downplaying the role of our men! Seriously lady’s, are you wanting a husband or another child? Stop mothering and patronizing men! If Gen X is concerned about why their Generation Z children are in the LGBTQ+++ community, this is why! Uncertainty of thy self, due to pressure of fitting into someone (or everyone) else’s bubble! Or perhaps it’s just shitty parenting skills. Seriously, at this rate I’m going to die alone and single! And honestly, if these narcissistic, needy, “man children” are my only options? Well, at this rate, I’m better off!

I honestly don’t know where we lost respect and boundaries in our dating life, but somewhere along the way we’ve gotten lost. Dating used to be personal and private. It was exciting, flirty, honest, and mostly it was a process. Girls/Women respected themselves and men courted a woman. Adultery was not flaunted around, and most young children (10 and 11 years old) still played with dolls and toys. Not Sex TOYS and BOYS!! I honestly don’t think it is just America either. I do think we have completely downgraded our value and self-worth as men and as women across the globe. Therefore, we have downgraded our standards for our relationships. We don’t date with purpose anymore, we just date for the sake of not being alone and for pure intimate pleasure.

So, how do we find the perfect date for the holidays? Well, if dating in 2021 was like going to Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory and trying out every flavor but choosing the damn hard candy that only cost .02 cents! (WTF?). Let’s do better on our choices! Seriously? If you were going to choose the cheapest piece of candy, why did you even visit the factory? You could have just gone to the convenience store!! Stop wasting your time! Get clear on who you are, and who you want and don’t want in your life!

COME BACK FOR PART TWO….. FINDING MY HOLIDATE FOR 2022 –