FORGIVENESS

The most talked about intention in the Bible and in our personal healing journey.

Let’s get very clear on what Forgiveness is not! Forgiveness does not mean enabling others to continue to hurt us. It does not give permission for others to disrespect us. And it definitely does not give permission for anyone to disregard our moral values!

INFIDELITY

Cheating is infidelity which is “the state of being unfaithful and disloyal”. BOTTOM LINE! Let’s stop sugar coating it! 

When we’ve been cheated on, we sit and ponder on all the questions in and on our mind! Most of us ask…”why didn’t I see the red flags sooner? Or how did I miss all the signs”? After those questions the self-doubt and uncertainty of our own worth begins to fester and kick into hard drive.  

Forgiveness at this point will come from one of two places 

One – “Somehow I didn’t do my part which caused my partner to cheat” 

Or 

Two – I overreacted with jealousy and hallucinated the entire thing…he never actually cheated. 

If that sounds all too familiar let me tell you this…

NO, YOU’RE NOT CRAZY! NO, YOU DIDNT HALLUCINATE THE WHOLE THING!  AND IF YOU ARE HAVING JEALOUS TENDENCIES, HE PUT THEM THERE AND GAVE YOU REASON TO FEEL THAT WAY. No one wakes up jealous or insecure. Something or someone placed that self-doubt and unworthy emotion into you. Whether something happened to you as a child or later in life, getting a handle on it and discovering why you are that way and how to release it, is an entirely different journey. Furthermore, you can’t and won’t ever truly forgive until you understand “your truth” and that looks very different for each of us.

Now, with all that said, let me be clear on one thing before I continue, “I do believe we should Forgive people who hurt us! BUT please hear me when I say, “Forgiveness does not mean we’re giving them permission to continue to use us as a doormat or manipulate us into tolerance”!

What is Forgiveness

Forgiveness has a lot of definitions on the web. But I am about to explain forgiveness through a biblical approach. No this is not meant to be religious, so don’t worry if that kind of stuff creeps you out or makes you uncomfortable in some way. Let me start by saying, I was with someone for 14 years and when he got a younger girl pregnant, I was devastated to say the least! However, I gave forgiveness to both of them. Her and I became friends and him and I co-parent our children better. (And no, they are not together anymore because he cheated on her too, so the cycle goes on. And no, her and I are no longer friends, but that is a whole other article! Maybe even a book! lol) I talk a little more about my story in my book “HOT MESS TO TOTALLY BLESSED” and I do offer more details on how I overcame our separation in that book, if you’re interested you can just go here.

So, what is forgiveness? As I previously mentioned the bible helped me to learn the process of “forgiveness” but it also gave me the opportunity to move on after infidelity! Forgiveness allows you to let go of a transgression, move on from infidelity and live happier and healthier with better relationships moving forward. But how? How do we forgive someone who hurt us by committing an immoral act? How do we forgive when infidelity leads us to a place of mistrust and keeps us questioning the motives of our partner?

How Do We Forgive a Cheater?

Well, we can start forgiving by knowing our own boundaries. Thats right! By knowing your own boundaries and understanding what you will and will not accept in a relationship, is super important to the type of people you attract and choose to date. You have to remember, you allow these people into your life, and you have a type! You know you do! So maybe it is time to change ‘your type’! And the only way to do that is to get to know yourself better!

Do you notice a pattern in the men you date? Should we as women think all men have just completely lost all respect for women? Or should we rethink how we date as women? Can I be honest for minute? Your attracting unhealthy relationships because you’re giving away too much too fast! Be honest, how do you dress? How do you act when you go out? How do you carry yourself? Do wait for a man to open the door for you and pay for a meal? Or do you open your own door and constantly offer to pay for dates? Do you allow the kind gestures he made in the first few dates to fade out? I get it, you don’t want to look like a gold digger or needy, and you want to be kind by offering to pay for the first date. YES! go ahead, offer to “help” with the first date. But if he lets you pay with no argument, girl get a clue! He is the gold digger not you! And he most likely doesn’t know how to manage his finances, he is probably a serial dater, and he can’t afford all the dates he goes on so he makes the “nice girls” pay. If he is not opening doors, sitting up in his seat attentive, or on his phone, get a clue!!! I can always spot the men who cheat, because they are the insecure ones.

RULLE #1 Just because they’re buff, doesn’t mean they’re confident.

Look why do we as women even have to offer to pay for a dinner date? If he asked you out, he should pay! You pay to look good and for all the upkeep of your hygiene. That cost more than dinner! Let’s make that clear! If he doesn’t open doors for you, pull chairs out for you, and give you the same curtesy you give him, you need to take that as a red flag!!!! I am so tired of repeating myself when it comes to telling women they must put themselves on a pedal stool. When my clients ask me “how do I read the red flags before I get too invested?” My response is always the same “By getting very clear on what you will and will not accept in a relationship. YOU MUST KNOW WHAT YOU WANT AND DON’T WANT in a partner”. Before you even go on a date!!! You have to know who you are attracting!!!

By the way, how big is your circle of friends? How do they act? How do they speak? What type of character are they? Because you are a representation of the people and places you hang around. So now, in knowing that, who are you attracting?

Let’s make something very clear now, we can’t ever prevent someone else from cheating. That is a temptation that is coming from a place of lack, insecurity, and selfish desires. However, when you know what your dating intentions are right from the start, you attract likeminded individuals who have similar dating intentions. The red flags are in the reciprocation of their words and actions to you, and in responds to your words and actions. In other words, when we know what we want in a partner, and are living a life that represents that kind of character, we attract similar energy in the people and places we hang around. You show the world who you are in all the places you go, the way you speak, how you carry yourself, the words you use to articulate, and in the people in your circle.

How Are You Attracting Men to You?

See, forgiving infidelity means owning your part! Thats right, you played a part in choosing that relationship, which means you play a part in the events that happen in that relationship. When you allow someone into your life that is not in alignment with your dating goals, you set yourself up for failure in your dating life. Did you have dating goals before you met? Or are you setting dating goals before you meet your next partner? Which brings me to this very important topic, of “how are you attracting men to you?”

If you were cheated on recently or in the past, that most likely happened because you didn’t have any dating goals to begin with! If you dated with intentions, you could have read the signs before you were invested or before the relationship got to a place of “lack”. See, if you attracted “likeminded” men and you connected with them on a mental and spiritual level, and eliminate the physical parts, the relationship would be built on a firm foundation right out of the gate. The bible talks a lot about building a “firm foundation” in all areas of our life. I said I wasn’t going to get religious, and I promise I won’t. However, this theory of “having a firm foundation” begins when you learn to have self-respect, self-control, and self- love first and foremost! You must have a firm foundation under your own roof before you allow others to enter into your life. When you work on your own world, you go on a date and discover other individuals who have self-respect, self-control, and self- love, too.

When you meet someone, you’re in alignment with, together you trust, communicate, and have humility towards each other, and your views, and your relationship goals become clear! Even if it doesn’t go beyond one date, or a few dates, or even a few months, you will have the ability to address issues before they turn into infidelity and enjoy the dating process. Furthermore, you will spot the red flags way in advance! You will know the men you don’t align with just by looking at their online presence and profiles, or on the first date. When you build a firm foundation and hold yourself accountable for the men you attract, you avoid long-term relationships that have no real potential for survival.

It is possible to have happy, healthy relationships without drama or other traumatic events. Just be mindful that you are responsible for all your dating relationships, and you begin to gain control of who you attract into your life, or who you exclude from your life.

If you struggle in your dating life and you want to learn how to have happier, healthier relationships and date men who will respect you, let’s connect. Tell me a little about yourself and what your dating goals are. If I feel I can help you, I will be in touch! If you want to transform your life completely from the outside in, contact me now!

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